Due to the rising demand for essential items such as bread and as much toilet roll as we can carry, the government has issued new incentives to attract people to the retail sector.
In three days time, shop workers will receive a multitude of privileges such as telling aggressive people to fuck off, and the ability to opt out of smiling until their faces hurt.
In yesterday’s televised statement, Boris Johnson announced: “ah, yes, well, um, far be it from me as the leader of this country to tell others what to do but I - we - would like to, er, suggest that since shopkeepers and the like are, in fact, key workers, they could be considered, in their own way, to be eligible to have the option, if they so choose, to remind customers that they are human beings who are deserving, somewhat, of of a base level of dignity.”
Following alarmed gasps from the attending press, Johnson reassured them, and the audience at home, that this is not a permanent change.
“I appreciate that this is quite the radical approach,” he continued, “but I would like to remind the good people of Britain that this is not forever. Once we’ve given Corona a damn good thrashing in three-ish months, we can resume our inalienable right to take our day to day frustrations out on nervous teenagers. However for the time being, we'll have to temporarily class them as equals."
This decision is based on the theory that people are more likely to enter industries in which they are not treated with the disdain of a sixteenth century lord, forced to look upon a lowly serf. News of the upcoming benefits have left customers angry and confused.
“So you’re telling me that if I tell the lowest ranking employee that the prices set by their head office don’t suit my desired budget, they’re allowed to tell me it’s not their fault?” Asks Theresa, 65, from Billericay, “and what if I want to find out these prices? Will I have to read the labels on the shelves in front of me, instead of continuously asking about them, expecting someone else to walk over and read them aloud for me?”
Derek, 42, is an estate agent in Cheshire and is therefore the most important person in the world. He says he worries about the knock on effect of allowing minimum wage workers to not tolerate his attitude.
“So you’re telling me that if I’ve misread a discount offer, and I tell them it's all their fault because ‘this is not mix and match’ is too easily confused with ‘this is mix and match’ if you don’t read it properly, they won't profusely apologise and comply with giving me the deal anyway simply because I’ve demanded it? What next? Do I have to converse with cleaners? Thank the bin men?”
Even Sofia, 27, who recently won a Humanitarian Award for frequently asking cashiers how their day has been, is unsure of how to interact with workers without the safety net of their robotic politeness.
“So you’re telling me,” she asked, “that if I hold up two different brands of the same type of pasta, inquiring which one is definitively better , I’ll be told to just buy the cheapest one and get over myself?”
In spirit of these new regulations, now referred to as ‘respect-ing’ on social media, we decided to ask store employees for their honest opinions.
Robert, an assistant manager who’s spine has completely eroded from almost a decade of working in the same supermarket, is equally as shocked as his customers.
“Honestly, I’m not sure how to speak to the people I’m serving without making my voice five octaves higher and apologising every five seconds. Just today, someone called me a pathetic waste of space because we foolishly ran out of loo roll after other valued customers bought them all, and I thought ‘in just a few days time I won’t have to hang my head in shame and shoulder all the blame for things completely out of my control’ and, quite frankly, I felt sick.”
Despite the public outcry, some employees believe they’ll actually benefit from being treated as a person. Lucy, a customer service assistant who does all the work of a manager with nowhere near enough pay, has already begun mirroring her customers' needless anger.
“Yesterday I was running the shop on my own, trying to get through a queue of six people, when a seventh joined the line and asked ‘can’t anyone else serve?’ That’s when I snapped and said ‘yes, of course, there’s three other people here and I’m hiding them in the stockroom just to fuck with you. Of course no one else can help me,’ then I gestured to the line and said ‘do you think I want this? Do you think I want any of this? Is this a scenario anybody would want? What could possibly possess you to ask such a moronic question? I understand that you lot won’t be able to buy bread for a fucking week, and clearly this is making you go apeshit, but I’m in contact with hundreds for people a day during a fucking epidemic, so if one more person so much as sighs loudly, I swear to God I will cough on every single one of you petulant bastards.’ At this point three people were crying and I have to say, it felt really good.”
When asked how buyers should proceed after these special measures are in effect, Lucy advised: “you know how you talk to anyone who isn’t providing a vital service you take for granted? Just do that.”
Well said, retail workers deserve respect.
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